* t @ tty Bears . I N c *

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

^It's not easy^

It's not easy...

I thought my well had run dry. Yet, when I read your deepest thoughts, water seems to come from deeper reaches to fall. The joy and pain it brings to see and feel what you're really thinking...it is a roller-coaster ride indeed.

Penny you have done well. You have chosen an absolutely brilliant way to start this new year. 1 month of sadness and happiness, of pain and joy, of tears and laughter. Emotion riding high and low...from uncontrollable tears to outbursts of laughter, from heart wrenching moments to pure numbness.

It's been just too tiring. My choices and thoughts do not leave me alone, constantly hanging over me like a dark cloud. It has reached the point where I have difficulty acting already. I used to be able to hide it so well. Now, all around me are asking if I am okay. It must be getting more obvious the toll it has taken on me. Yet, it is I who have chosen this path. And it has to be me who ends it all.

In the past, I had the courage to make the decision. Why is it failing me now? What am I so afraid of? Why can't I decide? What more do I want from the people around me? Why do I choose to drag and hurt?

What's wrong with me?

Talking to K last night, I realized I have changed. I'm superficial, fearful, selfish and just like one of them. I do not want to be like them. I pride myself on not being one of them.

What's wrong with me?

|*t@tty snoozed off @ 4:27 pm*|

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Sunday, January 27, 2008

^Growing up^

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and Center, Clarity
Peace, Serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do.
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'till I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and UNO cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and Center, Clarity
Peace, Serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do.
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry

~Big girls don't cry~ by Fergie

|*t@tty snoozed off @ 12:02 pm*|

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Saturday, January 26, 2008

^Dear Jesus^

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

Oh I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
Oh take it take it from me

~Jesus, take the wheel~ by Carrie Underwood

|*t@tty snoozed off @ 6:48 pm*|

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Thursday, January 24, 2008

^To You.^

I seem to be playing this game.
I say and do things that push you away.
Yet, all I want is for you to hold me close.
Just like the way you did before.

Nicely fitting into your arms.
Talking with hearts open and walls falling down.
Making known what was felt before.
With a bright full moon as our only witness.

I miss the feel of your hands.
I miss the warmth they provided.
I miss the care you showed.
I miss your kind smile only meant for me.

Once again I'm taking myself back in time.
To a time when it was all wrong.

|*t@tty snoozed off @ 6:37 pm*|

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Wednesday, January 23, 2008

^Space^

Starting on this journey of self-discovery, 1 month I have given myself.
To find the necessary answers, to alleviate all fears and worries.
To allow all to move on, to allow all to find each's happiness.

All I'm asking for is some space, to find my answers.
Answers to so many questions slowly raised over the past few months.
Questions that have eroded my self-belief and confidence.

Not allowing myself to breakdown, to fall.
Blindly insisting on being a stone wall, I realize there's no end to it.
When will I stop lying to myself and being blind.

One day I'll have to face it all.
No more stories to tell, no more faces to hide behind.
One day soon, I'll allow myself to stop pretending I'm ok.

In the meantime, I'll suck it up. It's Life.

|*t@tty snoozed off @ 3:51 am*|

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Monday, January 21, 2008

^Road Trip^

Holiday Part II
16th & 17th Jan '08
Port Dickson - Cameron Highlands - Malacca

In attendance: Abhinav, Lianghan, Michelle & Penny

Nt: Travelling with four photo-adversive people makes photo-taking a challenge. This was the best we could do.

~Abhi - Car provider & Main driver & RM provider~

~Lianghan - Backup driver 1 & Cameraman~

~Michelle - Backup driver 2 & Navigator~

~Penny - Permanent Backseat Passenger & Camera Provider~

It started out as a desire to travel once more with the Middle East peeps before school starts. As known procrastinators, we naturally dragged the planning process till the semester started. Finally, the group decided to only have our mass holiday during the mid-sem break.

However, my dear Abhi decided to pursue our dream of holidaying by suggesting a short road trip to savour the good food across the Causeway. Roping in three others, we finally embarked on what was suppose to be a simple trip.

It was amazing I actually convinced my mom to let me go. Or rather, I insisted my way through. Well, I can't blame my mom considering, we had no idea where we were going (I mean..we consider PD and Malacca but ended up at CH) and we had no idea where we were staying. We only knew we wanted out. The night before departure, we did not even know if we were confirmed going. *haha*

So yea...the very exciting 2D1N simple trip in simple sentences:

Abhi drove rather quickly to PD where LH & I didn't really feel the room rates were worth it. Michelle suggested Cameron Highlands so we all said "Go!" We had lunch and got into a car accident that left Abhi S$120 (plus S$2k more to replace his back sensor and bumper) poorer.

We arrived at CH safely and picked the Century Pines Resort cause LH stayed there before. We stayed in a Duplex Suite for 3 which costs RM410. The double-storeyed apartment was really nice! We had a lovely night outing at the road shoulder in the middle of nowhere (cause we missed our initial destination Blue Valley) with the backseat all huddled up in comfy blankets and pillows. We also had a bag of spoilt pineapples which killed Michelle and a bottle of spoilt wine which gave Abhi double vision.

We spent the next morning plucking big red strawberries for Michelle and Anderson.
We visited the BOH factory and climbed to its Viewpoint. With a beautiful view, cool weather and nice company, I lost myself on top that boulder. We ran out of ringgit by the time we reached the BOH factory cafe as only Abhi changed money, a mere SGD200. Lunch was therefore some tuna sandwiches and water for me. :)

Payment for tolls on the way back was true excitement as we never knew if we would run out of RM. Happily snoozing on the way to Malacca for dinner, the right back tire burst. *haha* So we ended up changing tires in the middle of a very windy nowhere with huge scary trucks speeding past.

With a fresh tire, we all piled back in only to find the fuel gauge at E - empty. *hmm* So we had to off the A/C to conserve energy as we did not know when the next petrol kiosk was. Thankfully, we were saved. Alas! No cash. *haha* Michelle and her credit card to the rescue.

So we finally made it to dinner at Malacca at 9pm after stopping at KLIA to change money. On the way home, I told Abhi, "This definitely felt longer than 2D1N man..."

The details above and the rest of the trip can be found in the photos here.

An eventful trip indeed...looking forward to Holiday Part III. *hee*

|*t@tty snoozed off @ 3:04 am*|

^So many questions...^

What is it I am looking for?
Where can I find it?
When will I stop looking?
What am I doing?
Why am I so confused?
Shouldn't it be so clear?
Isn't it clear already?
Why am I being so choosy?
Why should I be choosing?
Why am I running?
What am I running from?
Where can I run to?
When will I stop running?

STOP!

I just want to rest.
No, wait.
I am still running.

|*t@tty snoozed off @ 3:00 am*|

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Monday, January 14, 2008

^K-craze^

Recently, my family has been buying Korean drama series for my mommy to watch while she's in Thailand. When she returns, we get to watch them too. So far, I have completed My Lovely Sam-Soon and My Girl. Now, I am rewatching with K the latter series as I happily completed it without waiting for him. *heh*

The show's about a girl who's utterly brilliant at lying and has even developed basic principles to be an expert lier. She gets 'hired' to be an imposter, pretending to be the long-lost granddaughter for this guy's dying grandfather who is the owner of a few atas hotels. So long story short, grandson and fake granddaughter fall in love and the real granddaughter gets found and everyone lives happily ever after. Well, not all. Poor grandson's best friend who likes fake granddaughter too. I think I just killed the story. :P

One of its song is my current favourite but it's near to impossible to find an English translation of its lyrics. Anyone knows Korean?

Anyway, I'm leaving you with a little clip stolen from YouTube on this show with my favourite song. Enjoy!

~scenes from My Girl~

|*t@tty snoozed off @ 2:09 pm*|

^2008^

So, it's the start of the New Year and another school term. My last school term to be exact. I am feeling loads of stuff at the moment and decided it might be good to pen them down. Maybe I might just be able to sort out my thoughts in the process ...

For the last few weeks, I've been battling the cough/flu illness and a basket of emotions. I did finally managed to get a good night sleep last night after more than a month of short restless sleeps with much on the mind (and throat). I believe K forcing me to switch my phone to silent mode is an utterly brilliant idea. However, sadly, I have once again lost my sense of taste today morning.

Regarding what I did succeed in destroying, I just want You to trust that while I am trying to be as honest as I can, I really did do what was best for us. I know my reason sounds like crap and even I have trouble believing in it. Thank you for trying to understand. I still feel the same about you. For the past few days I've not been alone and it's been easy to hide behind company. Last night, when all was quiet and finally I was with myself, I told a friend how I truly felt and only then could I fall.

나는 유감스럽다

On a less emotional topic, I'm starting my last school term with a crashed com and being one technical elective short. Will be trying to appeal for it and if I don't succeed, well, I'll just have to join the next graduating batch then. :S scary... Modules for this semester:

FNA1002X Financial Accounting
BSP1004A LegalEnvironmental of Business Law
ME4101A Bachelor of Engineering Dissertation (aka FYP)

and hopefully ME4261 Tool Engineering

My FYP is quite stuck at the moment. My JC student helping me during the holidays managed to get some progress with the questionaires but even those are pretty slow going with only 1 respondent at the moment. My scans are not moving as TTSH is slow in replying and the software has not yet arrived in NUS. Which means I am only left with 1 thing to do, visit the software company to get some learning experience first. At least my Prof has pushed back the deadline for the interim report for me. *sigh*

And I still owe BINGO a 4000 word report and the accounts.

So, 2008 will be a very exciting year for me considering how it has started. I will be graduating come July and just maybe, I'll find myself working in the exotic Middle East. That would be interesting ya? Realistically, I'll be glad just to get a decent job that I enjoy. My new year's resolution is simple: self-development. Hence the choice of modules and my plan for the year. I have dropped all my teaching assignments to leave time for myself. I intend to take up yogilates classes with K at PSA Club, relearn my drumming for PhoenixFest, join as many dances as I can, choreo for Uncensored, hmmm....it does seem I will have a very busy 2008.

Oh oh! And my sister is finally GETTING MARRIED!!!!! I get to be a bridesmaid!!!! And as a dutiful bridesmaid, I really need to convince her that more than 1 dress is needed for a wedding day man..

|*t@tty snoozed off @ 1:28 pm*|

^Maybe Tomorrow..^

A friend introduced this song to me not too long ago.

Now I understand.

I've been down and I'm wondering why
These little black clouds keep walking around
With me
With me

It wastes time and I'd rather be high
Think I'll walk me outside and buy a rainbow smile
But be free
They're all free

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

I look around at a beautiful life
I've been the upperside of down, been the inside of out
But we breathe
We breathe

I want a breeze and an open mind
I wanna swim in the ocean
Wanna take my time for me
All me

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

Maybe Tomorrow by Stereophonics

|*t@tty snoozed off @ 2:11 am*|

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Saturday, January 05, 2008

^NUS BINGO Middle East trip 2007^

NUS/TIP BINGO Middle East Trip 2007
7th Dec 2007 - 1st Jan 2008
UAE-Qatar-Egypt

This was history in the making as never before has BINGO ventured so far and for so long. I am also positively sure, never again will it experience such an exciting journey. The final trip comprised of 5 legs: Dubai - Qatar/Dubai - Dubai - Egypt (Luxor & Cairo) - Sharjah. In every leg, the team experienced its fair share of highs and lows. I am sure if you took my blood pressure at the start of every leg, it would be off the roof.

Just a low down on the trip, the team is made up of 21 peeps including 1 ever youthful teaching staff, Anderson. *heh* The 20 other travel mates of mine will probably be the most competent batch of people I can ever work with. They each have their unique strengths and attributes and without each, this trip would just not be the same.

I have so much to say to each of them yet when it came to my turn during the last parade, words failed me. My "speech" was so superficial, I didn't even graze the surface of what I had to say. So, I think I owe each one of you a special email. :)

Thinking back on the trip, I am amazed at how we dealt with each obstacle thrown in our path. From finding out we had no visas to Saudi and Qatar on the day of departure, landing in Dubai with no accommodation, transport nor itinery, spilting the group during the trip, switching cities in the midst of the trip to landing in Egypt with none of our luggages, we survived it all. As treasurer, there were times I really felt I should just burn all the accounts *heh* but I survived it too.

I have learnt much on this trip: firstly, money is literally flowing out of the region. However, although money is really cool to have, even with all the money in the world, you can never breathe life into the lifeless. Dubai is progressing really quickly and has much opportunities to offer yet, I felt more at home in Qatar and Egypt. The people were friendlier and there was soul to the place. And honestly, the Burj Al Arab is nothing great really. Majestic yes, worth staying in...no.

Spending Christmas Day at the pyramids was quite cool except I was rather stoned from the lack of sleep on the overnight train. And I was in the company of other stoned or drunk travellers. *haha* But it was fun. What I did like about Egypt was that I felt as if I was staying in a living museum. Ruins and restaurants shared the same space as we passed by 3000yr old temples and columns every time we ventured out for visits or meals. History is part of the locals' everyday life and I do hope it continues to be so.

My most precious memories on the trip however, were watching sunrise with Angela, LH, chewy, angmoh & Yujun; going on a long walk with Michelle; nightly drinking sessions with Abhi & Nilay; talking with LH on top of a freaking cold hill in Egypt with its city at our feet; the last drinking session and the stupid games we played....and the moment we touched down at Changi airport. These memories I'll keep with me for life.

To those who shared those special moments with me, I too hope you'll never forget them. The future's bright for each one of us and I wish nothing less than the best for you. Hopefully, ten years from now, we'll meet again at the Burj Al Arab. :)
Labels: school

|*t@tty snoozed off @ 4:59 pm*|

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