* t @ tty Bears . I N c *

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

^Yet again, I'm broken ...^

With a deep breath, I plunge forward. This blog has been rather sparse if not emotional of late. I have been pretty preoccupied, not only work wise but heart wise. I've been a basket of emotions and having constant random breakdowns. I've tried running and acting but it is time to admit what I've been hiding - problems that have existed for some time. The ennies are no more together.

It started out pretty simple...or so I thought. Initially, I thought hey, maybe I need some time away considering things were not fantastic before I left and I could do with some space to figure out if this was what I really wanted. I knew that if I stayed,it would have been for life and I wasn't sure if I was ready for that as I seemed to be having some doubts. Little did I know, he was thinking the opposite and was ready to change for me. Bad timing indeed...

When I returned, I tried to make things work, refusing to give up so soon. However,the more he sensed my doubts and hesitations, the worse it all became. Now, reading his deepest thoughts, I wonder where it all went wrong...

LH told me this would happen, that no good would come out of me handling things this way. K told me this was the right way as if I had done otherwise, it would have been uglier. Well, I wouldn't know considering I had already chose my path and can only stick with it. Yet, time and time again I catch myself thinking if this is really all that healthy and how I wished I could have protected him from all this pain.

There are many things I wish and pray for, yet I can't make them happen by my own actions. I feel so so guilty and selfish. I really had no idea how things turned out this way ... I think back everyday and wonder ... at first I thought I was doing it for us. But now, the only thing I seem to have done was hurt you more and more. *sigh*

I do not know if I can ever forgive myself or let myself love again. I am so afraid of hurting ... of breaking someone else. It is scary to have these strings in your hands and a big part of me is afraid to take new ones up. There is this light at the end ... the path is alot clearer now than 2 months ago. Am I ready to take baby steps forward?

Dear you, words to you have been said elsewhere. Just know, I will always love you.
Labels: ennies

|*t@tty snoozed off @ 4:03 am*|

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